Let's talk about dieting as a mom: the diet pills the diet plans and all the other stuff that doesn’t work.
So, let’s talk about trying to diet when you are a parent. You decide that hey, this seems like a great time to lose some weight, I am way too fat from having kids. Maybe you have a New Years Resolution or maybe it’s a special event that has you motivated!! This time you decide we are not going to try any diet pills or diet plans we are going to try the healthy lifestyle approach. This is what I like to call the stay at home mom diet.
So here is how it goes for me:
I start off by spending about a half hour remembering every single person that gave me some crap to eat when I was pregnant and said “but now is the time you are eating for two” …. I think of them and picture myself shoving brownies down their throat… too harsh? Sorry Susan, I guess you don’t get overwhelmed with rage in your soul over being a glutton. We can’t all be so perfect Susan, geez!!!!
Once I am over blaming everyone I know, society, and the planet for making me fat I resolve to its my own fault and now its time to work for this.
So, naturally I will start tomorrow.
Today is the day I am going to eat everything I want and get it out of my system…. So, it’s on… sweets, saltys, meats, butter, dairy, eggnog because screw it this is my last hoorah! Now, we all know that this is going to make me miserable tomorrow instead of empowered but we’ll deal with that time when it comes. My husband is looking at me like I am on a psychotic break and not sure if he will ever see the real me again… so after looking at my binge he backs away slowly… (smart man).
Once I’m done torturing myself with all this overeating, I go ahead and get some sleep, I think of how amazing tomorrow is going to be!!!
Okay! Diet day! This is going to be wonderful. Except, I think I actually have a hangover from all that crap I ate yesterday and it feels as though my children decided today, they will have a contest who can be the most annoying, the most whiny and the loudest. We’re off to a lovey start. After restraining myself from choking my kids, I make them breakfast. I look longingly at the crappy cereal that everyone knows doesn’t taste that good (But low key at the right time is amazing….).
Okay time to make my breakfast… a green machine smoothie made with quinoa, spinach, kale, beans, grass, dirt and some bugs. I shove everything in the blender with some ice and almond milk (I am dieting so now I am a vegan too). Turn the thing on and watch my breakfast cream together (and the bugs die) while it’s blowing out my ear drums. I’m so excited for this meal!!
5 minutes later… I’m fighting with my two-year-old convincing her that mommy needs the last few bites of her crappy cereal and she can try mommy’s special shake! Okay time to run out the door!! I have also chosen to give up caffeine today so I’m exhausted, hungover, ready to vomit from eating bugs and my head is pounding screaming that it needs caffeine. Not today Satan (at least that’s what my shirt says)!
I totally got this!
Drop everyone off at school and I am headed home. I remember that I have two dollars in my glove box. Since I am dieting, I definitely need to get some tea… that’s what skinny people do, duh. Go to Starbucks... “Hi, can I have a large chai tea, extra cream and a little bit of sugar, actually make it regular sugar, and whip cream on top!” (What happened to being a vegan? It comes and goes...) Fendi of the Sun responds, “I would adore getting this VENTI chai for you, thank you for letting me pay homage to the spirit of the winds by serving you!”. Tea is healthy, chai is tea, I’m good.
I am STARVING and also now on a sugar high so I’m jittery as hell and I still have a headache. BUT I prayed about this at prayer this morning, the Lord has me! DISCLAIMER: there needs to be some faith in action to get some answers here. This is in NO WAY me saying that God doesn’t answer prayer… read the Bible people.
Back to the story…
I’m scavenging my house and staying strong not giving in to those Little Debbie’s that are literally screaming “Megan come over here, we are having so much fun! You’d love to be here with us, we will accept you just the way you are. You don’t need those skinny jerks anyway, we like your rolls, come back!” Not that I am hanging around listening or anything……! Trying to find something healthy to eat, how about some carrot sticks? YAS! Grab some carrots and hummus, what’s the serving size? Fill the plate? Okay!
I’m so proud of myself! I had my bug smoothie for breakfast, carrots for lunch (conveniently forgetting my pound of hummus) and haven’t had any coffee at all! YAY!
Satan: But you had that tea…
Me: Shut up Satan you ugly.
Satan: You’re fat.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN!
Satan: Whatever, I’ll be back later.
Yes, I just switched the conversational format but it’s for dramatic affect leave me alone!
I’m going to work out!! I put on some dance music and start moving a little bit. That new For King and Country Song is bomb. This is so awesome, I am going to be thin and fantastic. This will make me a better mom (no one wants a fat mom) and a better wife and friend and worker and Christian! This is going to be amazing I feel so wonderful. MY BODY IS A TEMPLEEEEEEEEE!
I am still watching For King and Country videos crying because they are so beautiful! I am now thinking over my entire existence and how I have lived my life. Am I worthy? Do I give to poor children in Africa?! Why don’t I adopt more?! Why don’t I go on 6-month mission trips every year?! Why don’t I help orphans and widows?! Do I even care about people at all?! So selfish! All I think about is dieting, I am so vain!
Time to get the kids!!!! I am shaking because I am starving. Grab a box of Cheezits … what am I supposed to do?! I’m starving and late! Not my fault… I’ll have a salad for dinner, whatever.
Picked up all the kids. Deciding on whether I should keep this diet crap going or if I should just give up on being so selfish and only concerned with looks. But I want to look good for my husband! But why… that dude needs to love this body... what did HE do to have the kids?! Just have a little fun and now I am left with this mess?! He better love ALL of this! Ship, I ate the entire box of Cheezits. Also, wouldn’t let my kids have any. I told them they are blessed because they get to eat lunch and I don’t. Wow, that’s just sad.
Well, we ordered a pizza. 🤦🏻♀️
I am exhausted and need some carbs for the emotional day I had! Justification, justification, justification!
Okay, can any one relate to this?! I have tried so hard. It is not easy to diet with kids at all. They can eat whatever they want, and we cannot. We are tired and always on the go. I know that we are supposed to adopt a healthy lifestyle not just diet. But like, a healthy lifestyle isn’t going to get me to a size 2 by next week! Haha! I just want to tackle this demon once and for all! I am so tired of being overweight and failing in this area. I am making a New Years Resolution right now that I am going to lose 75lbs this year. I want to prove to myself that my body truly is a temple. I want to tell you this story again next year with a totally different outlook. I want to get the victory here so I can encourage other moms to do the same!
The truth is that we CAN do it. We just have to be determined. We have to not justify our behavior and be really ready to change. And the truth is that our kids shouldn’t be eating crap either. And the truth is that we are still fending off our husbands everyday because they can’t get enough of our wonderful mom bods.
You can do it! I can too! Stay encouraged, set goals and move forward!